A Piece of My Story

by Riley Bidwell

I started telling people that I am gay when I was seventeen years old. Everyone important in my life knew a little after I turned eighteen. Before that, I kept myself hidden. On the outside, everyone around me saw a bright smile on my face even though there was a war going on inside. In the environment that I grew up in, being gay was looked down on and considered a moral flaw. Yet, as time went on, it became clearer and clearer to me that I loved who I loved and there was nothing I could do to control that even if I wanted to. However, for most of my adolescent years, shame was steering the ship. And I was headed straight towards an iceberg. With the information I had at the time, it felt like I had no one to talk to and nowhere to go and feel safe. 

When I first started telling people that I was gay, my legs were shaky, and my palms were sweaty. But, to my surprise, often, I was welcomed with open arms. Still, living my truth (even just by saying three simple words: “I am gay”) was a rigorous exercise in discovering how capable I was of being vulnerable. It was about time I started steering my own ship.

I went away to college a year after I came out to my friends and family. The first week that I was enrolled in courses, I called the school counseling services not knowing just how impactful therapy would be in my own life. I knew that I wanted to talk to someone about what I experienced living as a gay man. Little did I know that I was at the beginning of a beautiful path that led to acceptance, authenticity, and learning how to thrive as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.

The Tension Between Attachment and Authenticity

Dr. Gabor Mate explained that we have two essential needs as human beings. First, we are hardwired for human connection. We receive connection in our families, our relationships with significant others, our friends, and even involvement in the community around us. Second, we must have the ability to be our authentic self. Dr. Mate says that “to be authentic is to be true to a sense of self arising from one’s own unique and genuine essence, to be plugged into this inner GPS and to navigate from it.” Authenticity is steering your own ship. 

What happens when being our authentic selves puts us at risk of losing connection with those around us? Unfortunately, members of the LGBTQIA+ community too often are confronted by this question. Too often, LGBTQIA+ individuals, their relationships, and families risk losing connection with those around them because of who they love and who they are. 

The Road to Healing

“It is not only necessary to leave blame and guilt behind on the road to healing, to move from self-accusation to curiosity, from shame to ‘response ability’ – it is also and always possible.”

-        Dr. Gabor Mate

I set out to help others the way therapy helped me thrive. I work with LGBTQIA+ clients to move from shame and unwarranted guilt towards acceptance and love. It is not only important to make this move, but also possible to do so and thrive.