As a student therapist, one of the main components in the learning process is self-awareness. I have noticed this awareness develop over the past few years. I have often struggled with self-worth, and I believe this has been based on what I believe others think of me. These thoughts have often been “My husband sounds different today. It must be me.” or “My new client has canceled the last few appointments, they must be thinking I am not doing a very good job.” My point is that I have talked myself into believing that I know what they are thinking, and I have allowed this negative thought pattern to affect my view of self. This had created an illusion that I am in control of what others think of me, and most of the time, these thoughts were negative - unless I was met by immediate happiness and excitement to see me. Then I knew that everything in my life was okay because I was accepted.
I looked at this thought process and wondered, “How can I change this?” It is not serving a positive purpose in my life and is actually hindering my daily process. Last month, I began seeing a therapist. We are supposed to experience therapy, and I felt like it was time. Feeling that I was pretty self-aware and self-accepting, not even considering that I would make even more self-discoveries. Through our initial conversation, I opened up to her about how my husband entered the house after being at work all day; I would decide how he must feel… about me. If he seemed a little annoyed, I would immediately feel like I needed to improve somehow or I must have irritated him. There was no thought of “He must have had a long day.” I went on to discuss struggling on a particular assignment and that the professor must think, “This girl is an idiot.” Sounds pretty harsh right? Then my therapist pointed out that I am filling in the blanks. To my surprise, the idea of “filling in the blanks” for other people is exactly what I have been doing. For so long, I have been deciding other people's opinions of me. I would say to myself, “My thoughts must be true.” and “I know it because I can feel it?” Does this sound familiar? I have learned to reframe my automatic thoughts and am aware that I have “filling in the blank” for others.
Are you filling in the blanks for others? Knowing and accepting that we cannot control other’s thoughts and feelings have been part of my process, and they might be a part of yours too. Taking a moment to bring awareness to my automatic thoughts and to ask myself, “Am I filling in their blanks?” has been a great experience for me. It is not always easy to recognize when we input our own “stuff” into another person’s thoughts. However, practicing self-awareness is the first step. A step toward self-acceptance and letting go of the assumption that we know what others are thinking. Next time you question the tone, the look, or the body language of another ask yourself, “Am I filling in their blank?”
-Yolanda Wibowo, CPC Student Therapist
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